The good news is, if I had any itching inside my mouth due to a yeast infection on my teeth, I won’t any more.
When you are still weak and woozy from spending the previous night on the bathroom floor in a La Quinta Inn, evacuating contaminated trout from your body, and also from then driving two hours home feeling like little gnomes are swordfighting behind your bellybutton, you may carelessly assume that evening, back home, when you reach for the toothpaste, that the old, crinkled tube you find in your hand is, in fact, a travel-sized Aquafresh. You will use it, because the night before, you threw out the regular toothpaste, after brushing your teeth, tongue, gums, uvula, and tonsil scars, stopping just short of stuffing the bristles up each nostril to flush out every trace of that delicious-tasting stomach acid.
I looked at the label only after I’d squeezed it on the brush, stuck the brush in my mouth, and clamped it between my teeth while I twisted the lid back on. The lid to the Monistat 3 Maximum Strength Soothing Care Itch Relief Cream.
It could have been worse. It could have been the other way around. I would have gotten rid of any tartar problems in my reproductive tract but wondered why the itch was still there.
And no, I didn’t really have an itch, but I’m a good Boy Scout when it comes to itch and pain relief, and I am always prepared. The bots get their chocolate milk and Angry Birds bandaids, I get my cabernet and Maximum Strength Soothing Care Itch Relief Cream. Not To Be Taken Orally.