Reflexology: The New Safe Sex?

You can't get pregnant by touching people's ears!

It is arguable that if the ancient art/science of Reflexology was taught in junior high school classrooms, teen pregnancy rates would plummet.

Surely, even the Right Wing Christian faction would support a bill channeling government funding into such a program (although it does fall under the auspices of Education), when it is obviously such a win-win solution: all of our hormone-saturated larvae get to feel each other up and get felt up, all while keeping on their fig leaves (although they wouldn’t be able to keep one foot on the floor, but there are so many exciting ways of getting around that one anyhow.)

For those of you who haven’t experienced the joys of being on the receiving end of a talented Reflexologist’s fingertips, or for those of you who don’t have a sister like mine, who, after a session, relates it in such vivid detail in a six-minute voicemail message that by the end, I’m reaching for the cigarettes that I’ve forgotten I have never used in my life, read on.

Reflexology is basically this: the health-promoting practice of stimulating energy and relaxing tension in the body by releasing any blockages in the flow of said energy via manipulation of only the hands, feet, and ears. It’s holistic, if you haven’t figured that out already, and some people think it’s hocus pocus, but it sucks to be them: they’ve obviously never had their ears fiddled with properly, nor do they have a sister like mine.

I admit, I had my feet fiddled with once, but although the fiddler worked at a spa, she wasn’t a registered Reflexologist, and she basically gave me a lower leg rub followed by a dip in hot paraffin that made my feet soft and the rest of me wish I’d just gone for the full-body massage. But my sister has sold me on trying it again.

Color chart of pressure points and their corresponding organs. Apparently, we are all wearing our hearts on the balls of our feet. (

She described lying on a massage table under a sheet with only her head, feet, and hands exposed and manipulated. Soft music played, and the table vibrated in time to this music. She described in breathless tones what she claimed was the loveliest, most relaxing and at the same time invigorating experience she has ever had, ever. Ever. And this is a woman who enjoys her massages, and who sails down narrow mountain trails on bicycles at thirty plus miles per hour.

It was her suggestion that Reflexology could be hailed as the New Safe Sex. Then The Guru suggested that perhaps the Shakers did it. The Guru’s knowledge extends far, encompassing the sexual mores of a near-dead religious sect that most people associate only with old spindly-legged furniture. Apparently, in order to perpetuate their clan of woodworkers, the Shakers either adopted children or indentured them, because they didn’t believe in intimate fraternization and in vitro hadn’t  been discovered yet. Then indenturing went out of style, and that pesky law forbidding religious groups to adopt children was passed in 1960, and their numbers spiraled downhill. No wonder there are only three or four left. But I stray from my point.

All those in favor of drafting a petition to introduce Reflexology classes into America’s public schools, not only for the future health of our nation but as a creative new form of birth control, write to your Congressman. After watching this video, I also vote to practice it regularly on the GOP candidates, with the hope that they, like the Shakers, will stop attempting to reproduce.

Reflexology works on all species, maybe even politicians

ABC report on last Monday’s March protesting Roe vs. Wade decision

Here’s a direct link to the newscast.

Who’s in favor?

2 thoughts on “Reflexology: The New Safe Sex?

  1. I talked to a crazyflakes rightwinger the other day who wants to ditch the EPA, dept of Education and much more. He called his ideal country our last best hope for a decent country. Oh, and no abortion either of course. He would find a way to “prove” reflexology is from the devil. Perhaps we can send them all to start their own country on a small island somewhere. Perhaps an island with a volcano. Maybe the bots could start researching that? 😉 Or not.

    I am too ticklish for most of the stuff but I would like to try the hand reflexology.

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