Instead I am tired.
It’s just the tired that everyone gets. The tired that wants to lie down, maybe on a beach, for a week. In this fantasy, I do not even have to get up to go to the bathroom.
But if I weren’t tired, it would mean I didn’t have a job, and if I didn’t have a job, I wouldn’t have a place to go every day. No matter that the place is right here, as I roll out of bed, keeping midgets who do not know better from self-destructing.
Long ago, in 2001, I worked, for five weeks, as a barista at a locally owned coffee shop in central Idaho. A gorgeous woman came in each morning, ordered green tea, sat at a table in the slanting morning light, drinking it, sometimes with a friend. Maybe it was her ptkm (pat-the-kitty moment. see post #1, 9/13/11). A man came in each morning, sat at the counter, swiveling his head toward women like her. One morning, they happened to be there at the same time. He struck up a conversation. He was a dot com millionaire of a particularly useless kind. Had bought up a few domain names he’d predicted would become popular. He’d been right. Now in his early thirties, he had all the money in the world and nowhere to go. He wasn’t needed, it seemed, in any way. He sat in the coffee shop every morning waiting to be noticed. Waiting for someone to make him feel important. Waiting for some human contact. Waiting to feel real.
The gorgeous woman was polite but it went nowhere. Mr. Shrewd was there again the next morning, alone and trying not to be.
It is easy, as a mother of young children, to forget the human longing for physical contact, for the warmth of skin on skin, for the pressure of body on body, when every day is a dance of the toddlers, lifting, cleaning, hugging, kissing, swatting. It is easy to forget that yawning absence that occurs when we are not needed. It is easy to forget lots of things. I left my coffee on top of the car today, along with the keys. My phone dropped onto the bathroom floor and I didn’t notice it was missing for an hour. We made it to music class, five minutes late, and no one was there–class is tomorrow.
What have you forgotten lately, and why?
*coffee picture from http://www.letslaugh.net